this Little.Fish. loves to sing

Can fish sing?  anyways...

SO: I.love.to.sing.  I have since I was little.  I remember writing songs as a little girl about nonsense, and I can even remember some of them to this day!

In college, I sang in the Clemson University singers, audition only, as an alto.  I took voice lessons.  I sang with the Women's choir.  I sang with the FCA praise band as their female vocal.  I sang at my church & at various church events, and even at my brother's wedding.

But as I already confessed, I kinda wish I knew if I was really 'good' or not.  I've concluded that maybe it would have come easier if I had been better?  I've even day dreamed about trying out for American Idol or X-factor because Simon Cowl is honest; he'd tell me straight.

I've always had major insecurities about whether or not I was good enough.  I remember in high school, wishing they'd invite me to sing in the 'big' church praise band, when I was singing with my youth one most evenings.  I remember sitting in my Dad's church & my father-in-law's church, and wishing they'd invite me to sing one week.  Cause it would be an ego boost for someone to want me, like me, request me.  Cause I love the space of being 'alone' on stage.

That may sound absurd.  'Alone' on stage??  If you sit in the service, and really, truly sing with abandon, people think you're a bit strange, no?  people do not sing loudly, most of the time, but I do.  Especially when I'm really lost in the song.  It actually makes me self conscious to sing in the audience like I would at home alone, or up on stage.  On stage, everyone sort of expects you to sing with abandon, and it is accepted as passion.

I do struggle - wrestle - with the fight between pride in my ability & insecurity in my ability.  How to find balance??

That has been a question that has been unanswered for me for years.  I have volunteered only once to sing in the past 4 years since having children, and it has felt like something I gave up, lost. some distant love of my past, singing.  That one time, I received some tough criticism, and I decided not to pursue it for a while.

and I was content that the Lord had a season for singing in my life.  I trust that & I believe it's true.  I sing to my boys & most of the time they like it, haha. ;-) but seasons change, and I don't want to miss the blessing in each one.

the best compliment I've ever received was from my sister, Christina.  She said, "your voice is like an old, wooden handrail.  smooth & even."  (or something like that - those of you can attest my memory for non-movie quotes is not as accurate).

I've been so intrigued this #31days series by the posts of Reeve Coobs at Reevewrites.com.  She is a friend of a friend who happens to be doing a give away of her new CD today at hazelhive.com!  I'm excited.  Anyway- Reeve wrote a post about 'scratch tracks' & how she recorded one, thinking it would be bad, but it turned out perfect.  I have been so encouraged by her view of the imperfect in a voice as beauty.  I've always wanted such perfection in my own singing, that I've just about given it up for lack of perfection.  But the Lord didn't make us all with auto tune, as she points out.  and you miss out when you fake perfection.

Will the Lord bring back a place in my life for me to sing, in worship, on stage, as a lead or a harmony?  I don't know.  But if not... he is still good.  ;-)  I'm so dumbfounded that I am now just really hearing that perfection doesn't equal beauty in a voice.

I can be so critical (again, judger anyone?) of others, and even competitive if I begin to see a need to 'make my myself heard' or 'make my place'.  I know my rebellious heart has cropped up during times when I didn't want to sing only one part, I felt that the song just made me want to change, do different, be bolder, be louder, BUILD to a different place... but I wasn't a good follower in those cases.  I should have just asked if it would be ok to change it up.  instead?  I sometimes just did it my way.

Oh.the.faults. flaws. sins.

But, maybe the Lord will give a new opportunity.  I should just ask.  ;-)

maybe if I do sing again, in that capacity, maybe the Lord will teach me something new in that arena.  But if not... he is still good.  and I am still loved.  (thanks annVoskamp)