Wednesday, October 23, 2013

an anxious Little.Fish.

Oddly, this is a post that I've been wanting to write since the beginning of my #31days challenge.  On the anxiety that sometimes can stop me in my tracks.  This is a very difficult topic to put into words properly, so please read with grace.

Now, again, this may sound extreme.  It's not.  I do not, at all, in any way, seek to convey that I am crippled by anxiety.  I do not intend to compare my feelings of anxiety to another's, and as far as seeking counseling or other measures for support, I think that is the right step for many who battle anxiety.  I don't think that is the step for me, but...

My own personal bubble can run out of oxygen some days.

Sometimes the circumstances we are 'swimming' in can truly overwhelm.

chaos: I can feel overwhelmed by chaos & sometimes, I will try to take control of the chaos.  organize it, strategize it, physically control it.  Most often, when the scales tip & I cannot maintain control of the chaos, I struggle to compose.  But the Lord can redeem chaos & give good gifts in the midst if I LET.GO. of controlling it.

money: I am the 'nerd' by Dave Ramsey's standards.  I like to make a budget.  I like to fill out the charts, punch the numbers, try to balance.  But, we struggle.  Our hearts have so many desires & dreams, and those things are easy(not really, but relatively) to put on the back burner.  But when repairs pop & things seem a bit out of our control, when I can't make the numbers match, I really lose it.  This one even makes me sick to my stomach & torments my mind with guilt over decisions made.  plus, money is hard to discuss.  And trusting this one to the Lord, and LETTING.GO of control doesn't make sense to me.  So I just pray anyways, for wisdom & healing & deliverance.

people: can people just 'eat my lunch' as my father-in-law likes to say.  I have tried to play the 'easy-going' card about my personality.  The Lord is so gracious to me, most of my friends probably wouldn't describe me as judgmental, hot-tempered, or anxious. but I totally am in my heart of hearts.  God brings victory & redemption over those to the degree that only me & my sweet hubs & my closest girlfriends truly hear those thoughts & words.  Some interactions with people, especially when someone has hurt me or my child, just put real knots in my stomach - it physically hurts.

But- I think I've experienced the greatest healing & renewal in this arena.  I'd like to share an old post, that I never published because of how painful it was for me. Palm Sunday

I had a very wise mentor who told me how to deal with seeing this woman and feeling consumed with anxiety.  Thanks Bobbi. ;-)  She told me: my children are not pawns, and I don't have to put them in anyone's hands if I don't feel that's best for them.  But, I can separate the past from the present & give grace to a woman who stands in front of me - the grace of forgiveness.  the grace of kindness.  ((so simple, but made an incredible difference to me as I am able to interact & practice forgiveness))

vulnerabilty: posting this gives me anxiety.  To be known really is painful, and in many ways I'm still not ready.  But how could I not share what has given me such strength?? peace & hope?? and freedom??

thank you Lord for your REDEMPTION!!  You take all that physically feels bad & painful, and you can HEAL.  You can RENEW.  You can bring your peace & your joy and pour it all over these circumstances that put me in knots.  If I &  Forgive when I still hold on tight.  Lord it's yours.  Thank you for taking it.

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