Why is it so easy to know the good I ought to do but be unable to succeed in doing it? and then I wallow. I am undone over my sinful behavior, and I seek forgiveness, I repent! But do I turn away? when those old habits die slowly & I stumble again, and again. I am crying for relief, solace, peace, comfort for my sadness & failure.
overdramatic? nope, just stuck in my own head.
The only idea I could muster for writing today was the feeling of being all.dried.up. squeezed out & dehydrated & sucked dry. I am parched, cracked & needy.
I am waiting for the Lord to wash over me, revive me, refresh me. This refining fire of motherhood is burning so hot & I feel wrecked.
I step back and tell myself, my kids are not going to be perfect, and neither am I, but I step forward into life & I am still so hurt by their disobedience, embarrassed by their tantrums, angry by their sin against each other. Their sins are so hard to forgive when they fly in my face & against my directions.
Lord, I need you. I fall flat on my face. You forgive my sins against you, and yet I, forgiven much, struggle to forgive. Lord teach me how to discipline myself & my boys. How I wish I could 'get it right' but Lord help me to get you. To find a solution where you are in the middle. Would you come?