Friday, October 11, 2013

a Little.Fish, all dried up

Oh.Today.

Why is it so easy to know the good I ought to do but be unable to succeed in doing it?  and then I wallow.  I am undone over my sinful behavior, and I seek forgiveness, I repent!  But do I turn away?  when those old habits die slowly & I stumble again, and again.  I am crying for relief, solace, peace, comfort for my sadness & failure.

overdramatic?  nope, just stuck in my own head.

The only idea I could muster for writing today was the feeling of being all.dried.up.  squeezed out & dehydrated & sucked dry.  I am parched, cracked & needy.

I am waiting for the Lord to wash over me, revive me, refresh me.  This refining fire of motherhood is burning so hot & I feel wrecked.

I step back and tell myself, my kids are not going to be perfect, and neither am I, but I step forward into life & I am still so hurt by their disobedience, embarrassed by their tantrums, angry by their sin against each other.  Their sins are so hard to forgive when they fly in my face & against my directions.

Lord, I need you.  I fall flat on my face.  You forgive my sins against you, and yet I, forgiven much, struggle to forgive.  Lord teach me how to discipline myself & my boys.  How I wish I could 'get it right' but Lord help me to get you.  To find a solution where you are in the middle.  Would you come?

2 comments:

  1. oh this is so true. every bit of it.. this refiners fire of parenthood seriously wrecks me too, in the best way possible.

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    1. ah, it is crazy re-reading these. crazy. life flies by these days friend.

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