I'm jumping off from the blog this morning by Emily P. Freeman today.
I feel so conflicted about the motivation to pursue my 'talents'. That is one of my main desires for exploring why I feel like a Little.Fish. and if the Lord wants me to remain one, or if I should strive to become a Little.Fish. in a bigger pond, so to speak?
Why? Do I want to sing with the praise band? Why? Do I want to develop a big 'following' for this blog? Why? Do I really just want fame? our culture is OBSESSED with fame, and that is so.ugly. ((let's be honest)). Do I really want to write a book? To speak at conferences, to lead others?
The answer is really yes & no.
Yes, I would love to sing for a big crowd - to feel what that is like. To be praised for the talent the Lord has given to me. But, do I really want to be famous? nope. Do I really want to travel, tour, be away from my family, be criticized? Do I want the hard work? Nope. I really don't.
Yes, I would love to have people, friends & strangers, read my words & be encouraged. Yes, it would really boost my ego & I would feel important. But is that all? Nope. There is hard work there too. There is criticism, rejection. There is exposure - Do I really want my family opened up to that? Nope, I really don't.
Yes, I would love to become an author - to write words of life & encouragement - to use what encourages me to bless others as well. That would be wonderful. But, really?? There is a TON of hard work for that too. CRITICISM! REJECTION! Touring, time away from my family. I really can only imagine what that would be like.
Yes, speaking. I am a teacher still at heart & I would love to continue to teach. I would love to teach more of what I'm passionate about, which wasn't ever the subject of History. I would be honored to use my skill set in a way that would honor my Lord & serve his body, the Church. And this one?? I know the response is the same! Hard work, criticism, rejection, time away, touring.
Am I really ready or willing for any of that?
The answer is no. I'm happy to be a Little.Fish. in a little pond for now. I'll jump into a big pond if the Lord makes that clear - willingly, happily, fearfully, joyfully.
But for now, I'm grateful for all that I'm learning. I'm grateful to learn from others. to be molded & made more like my savior. I'm grateful for all the writing that has spurred me on. It has been powerful & life changing & the Lord has made it life giving. I'm a better mother, friend, wife, and follower of Christ because of those that have poured out their lives, and that is why I want to do the same. Thank you Lord for the mantel, the torch we carry, and thank you for any opportunities to pass it on. big or small.