Little.Fish. in an ocean.

I love the song, "How He Loves" by John Mark McMillan.  It has richly blessed me for years - it never ceases to amaze me how.Much.he.Loves.  I used to sing this song and picture him hanging on the cross - because the chords of the song & the chorus just sounded like a cry - the kind that you hear pain & agony & loss.  My Lord died for me?  endured it all for, me?  Oh, how he loves.

We visit the ocean semi-frequently, because we love it & because we live close enough to go in the evening.  The best: post-nap-time-dinner-on-the-beach-playtime-watching-the-sun-set.  It may be my very favorite thing to do with toddlers (with the one blemish being a late bed time).

My boys try to carry water from the ocean & get too excited & spill it EVERY time.  It's precious & hilarious.

"we are his portion & He is our prize, drawn to redemption by the grace in his eyes,

if His grace is an ocean, we're all sinking"

I am a Little.Fish. in an ocean of His grace.  I love this image because of the magnitude - hugeness - deepness - abundance - overwhelming force.  An.OCEAN.of.GRACE.

Grace: the free & unmerited FAVOR of God.

If HIS grace is an ocean, we're all sinking  - I don't really like the idea of sinking.  I lose control, I am at the mercy of whatever external force is acting upon me- I must rely on an outside force to act upon me to PULL ME OUT if I'm sinking.  But, if His grace is an ocean, and I'm sinking in it, would I ever want to get pulled out?

"I can carry it Mom, I big&strong Mom, I'm big&strong!"

Lord, thank you for an ocean of your grace.  Your unmerited favor.  Your free gift.  The beauty of the ocean takes my breath away, but I feel so much peace in its presence.  Thank you for reminding me.

Little.Fish. by comparison?

My 3 little.fishes.  Cheeks anyone??

I think it is easy to compare ourselves to others & always find ways to feel discontented. insecure. insufficient. obsolete.

When I see someone else who has what I think I want- I compare.  What do they have that I lack?  Style?  Grace?  Athleticism?  Fame?  Achievement?  Notoriety?

How do I attain what it is that I desire?  Is the pursuit of any of these goals in and of itself vain?  I believe that the Lord has given us measures, each his own portion.  Has he not laid out this life?  Does anything happen that is not within & under & submissive to his control & will?  Should I not ask & seek as he provides?  But what are those things truly worth in the kingdom of God?

Even in doing the 'work' of this life, those 'good works' that he has set ahead for me to do, I can lose sight of Christ- become engrossed with the achievement or fame.  What a trap!  It is so easy to take our eyes off of the One who makes everything meaningful, everyone meaningful.  Without our Lord, none of it matters- none of it is worthwhile.  It reminds me of Ecclesiastes - meaningless without Christ; this life only finds purpose, hope, joy in seeking Him alone.

I am a Little.Fish. by comparison to most.  in most arenas.  In my heart I know I long to matter- to have a life that stands apart & glorifies myself.  That is my vanity.  If the Lord calls me to a life of namelessness, then may I praise him in it!!  Maybe that deep longing in my heart can refocus to seeing the glory of the Lord & bringing Him glory with this one life - my vapor - may I continue to be refined, renewed & transformed so that I may not seek & desire my own fame or glory, but His.

I thank you Lord for the gift you have given me with these words & I pray that one day my boys may read them & hear my heart - bare & open & honest - and see that 'achievement' does not bring satisfaction in this life, only you Lord, only Christ can give the peace to a heart broken by comparison to others.  May they know your voice & hear your call to find peace as a Little.Fish. because you, Lord, You are the only BIG.Fish.

Content to be a Little.Fish?

I am a little fish.

I have been wrestling for years now with some of the dreams, aspirations, vanities, desires, and goals that I have set for myself.

I love to sing & my favorite thing to sing are harmonies in worship songs (anybody want to be the Shane to my Shane?) I have decided that I'm pretty much the mediocre kind of 'good' as a singer.  Good enough to sing solos at church, but not really the recording, performing kind.  And I still to this day wish I could have been BETTER.MORE.

I love to teach.  I was a high school teacher for the International Baccalaureate program in the senior subject of History.  My first year, I tried SO.HARD. but I struggled to just get my students through- they were probably some of the smartest students I had.  And I still to this day wish I could have been, given, done, BETTER.MORE.

I love my kids.  I have 3 little boys, 3 years & under.  It is a crazy thought to realize that in the last 4 years I've birthed 3 babies.  I love staying home with them & serving them with my life.  I have learned more about the Lord, the church, my faith in the nitty gritty than ever before in my life.  I am so grateful for how much I have GROWN becoming a mother- I'm still becoming, I'm still failing.  Striving to be all that I can be fore their good, their growth, their faith, their life.  Graciously, the Lord has blessed me more being a mother than in anything I've ever 'accomplished' though my own works: school, teaching, singing, fitness, beauty, life.  But I know that if I'm faithful to His call, His refinement, I will become BETTER.MORE.

Am I content to be a little fish?

I dreamed of being a women's speaker- who got to sing at the events, at least one song, haha.  I day dream some days of having my own book(s), having a huge following of my blog, reaching MANY. (and having other author friends send me their new books in the mail, that just is so cool).

If the Lord opens a door, in any of those areas, I will be the most surprised.  BUT, I am not going to create doors for myself.

I.am.a.Little.Fish.

I am grateful for this season of being a homebody with my babies & toddlers & leaning hard into Jesus. I am grateful for sharing my struggles & victories & fears & growth with just a few, in person & on my blog.  What a blessing to have my own words used by our Lord to encourage, to lift, to bring hope??  I am not going to take that for granted.  Thank you Lord for making me- just a little fish - exactly in this place.  I'm here as long as you call me to be Lord.