a Little.Fish. with a rebellious heart

So this at first glance, may sound extreme.  It's not.  But I wanted to write about that little part of me that sees something I don't want to do, don't like, don't want to try, or don't agree with, and FIGHTS HARD for my own way, to win the argument, to do it my own way.

For a silly, small example: I'm reading a Kay Arthur study.  I've done one before, and really disliked drawing so much in my Bible.  I'm not against the idea in general, but I'm not much of a doodler, and 'symbols' are great, if there's one maybe, but not so many!  It just upsets my sensibilities, and I.Don't.Want.To.Do.It.

I know- most of you would say, "well then don't! It's no big deal".  But I think the attitude is.  honestly, I remember being a big.jerk. with my college girlfriends about not wanting to do it, then fussing about it, then complaining about it, and on&on.  OH.MY.  Isn't it ugly??  Such a small thing that can fill your mind, heart, mouth and continue to speak that negative language to anyone & everyone else.

Maybe I missed out on something the Lord would have shown me?  That's probably true.  I think if I had been willing, pliable, flexible, and even if I hadn't been perfect with my 'symbols & coloring', I know He would be faithful to me & teach me in the midst of struggle.  Do I think you can really 'opt out' of God's will for your life?  Nope.  not a chance.  He still has me in his hands - He is bigger & stronger & wiser & he knows all that is & will be.  Can I miss a lesson he's showing me?  yup. and I do.  Do I always get a second chance?  I don't know, but I'm kinda glad to have a good attitude this time around and not revert back to my "My way is better & here's why that way isn't worth my time" attitude.

I know I do this in big things too.  I have very little room in my heart for others with whom I disagree on some fundamental issue.  Myers Briggs calls me a Judger & it's true.  I do it, all the time.  But, thankfully, I'm learning how to love people no.matter.their.positions & no.matter.their.ideas.  I can show grace, live grace, give grace!  Isn't that really, at the root, how to love?  To be kind, compassionate, sensitive & graceful to those different from us?  Even an 'enemy'?

My rebellious heart - my need to be right - my need to feel smarter, bigger, cooler, prettier - my competitive spirit - IN THE PURSUIT OF MY OWN GLORY is all SIN.

"So the last will be first, and the first will be last."

Matthew 20:16

Lord forgive my self-righteous - my arrogance - my selfishness.  Teach me how to lay down my own way & teach me Lord how to be last.  Thank you.  Your spirit of gentleness, kindness, willingness is truly beautiful.