a Little.Fish. in a little pond

I'm jumping off from the blog this morning by Emily P. Freeman  today.

I feel so conflicted about the motivation to pursue my 'talents'.  That is one of my main desires for exploring why I feel like a Little.Fish. and if the Lord wants me to remain one, or if I should strive to become a Little.Fish. in a bigger pond, so to speak?

Why?  Do I want to sing with the praise band?  Why?  Do I want to develop a big 'following' for this blog?  Why?  Do I really just want fame?  our culture is OBSESSED with fame, and that is so.ugly. ((let's be honest)).  Do I really want to write a book?  To speak at conferences, to lead others?

The answer is really yes & no.

Yes, I would love to sing for a big crowd - to feel what that is like.  To be praised for the talent the Lord has given to me.  But, do I really want to be famous? nope.  Do I really want to travel, tour, be away from my family, be criticized?  Do I want the hard work?  Nope.  I really don't.

Yes, I would love to have people, friends & strangers, read my words & be encouraged.  Yes, it would really boost my ego & I would feel important.  But is that all?  Nope.  There is hard work there too.  There is criticism, rejection.  There is exposure - Do I really want my family opened up to that?  Nope, I really don't.

Yes, I would love to become an author - to write words of life & encouragement - to use what encourages me to bless others as well.  That would be wonderful.  But, really??  There is a TON of hard work for that too.  CRITICISM! REJECTION!  Touring, time away from my family.  I really can only imagine what that would be like.

Yes, speaking.  I am a teacher still at heart & I would love to continue to teach.  I would love to teach more of what I'm passionate about, which wasn't ever the subject of History.  I would be honored to use my skill set in a way that would honor my Lord & serve his body, the Church.  And this one??  I know the response is the same!  Hard work, criticism, rejection, time away, touring.

Am I really ready or willing for any of that?

The answer is no.  I'm happy to be a Little.Fish. in a little pond for now.  I'll jump into a big pond if the Lord makes that clear - willingly, happily, fearfully, joyfully.

But for now, I'm grateful for all that I'm learning.  I'm grateful to learn from others. to be molded & made more like my savior.  I'm grateful for all the writing that has spurred me on.  It has been powerful & life changing & the Lord has made it life giving.  I'm a better mother, friend, wife, and follower of Christ because of those that have poured out their lives, and that is why I want to do the same.  Thank you Lord for the mantel, the torch we carry, and thank you for any opportunities to pass it on.  big or small.